"If, by any chance, I were to pluck out your armpit hair while listening to my beautiful, heart-touching songs again, would that cause you to shed tears at all?"
Raphael became speechless at the shamelessly outrageous question asked by Lloyd. The Angel of Thrones took a moment of silence to reply.
"My apologies. I don't have any armpit hair."
"Hmm."
"I'm serious," the angel insisted.
"What about other parts of the body?"
"I might."
"Whew. That's a relief."
The angel was flustered by Lloyd's response as he hadn't given him permission at all but tried to contain his feelings and replied.
"No. I don't think that would work."
"Why not?"
"Because I wouldn't shed tears that way."
"Hmm. Are you making a statement about your endurance?"
"No," said the Angel of Thrones, shaking his head. "I do not shed tears from the physical pain. It has nothing to do with my patience. All angels are like that."
"Hmm..."
"I'm telling the truth."
"Hmm..."
"I am being honest."
"Hmm..."
"I'm not lying. Look at the flaming halo. It's still burning well."
"Hmm..."
Lloyd began staring at the Angel of Thrones scrupulously as if he was trying to pick out the freshest fish at the seafood stall. The look of persistence suggested he was attempting to figure out if the angel was indeed being truthful.
What is up with him...?
The Angel of Thrones genuinely wondered. The tears of angels were highly valuable, and those of a high-ranking angel such as himself were even more priceless.
Lloyd Frontera loves money, perhaps even excessively. Is he trying to...?
The angel wondered if Lloyd was planning to sell his tears by any chance. Raphael's face turned solemn at such thoughts as he asked.
"Are you in need of my tears?"
"Yeah. That's why I'm asking."
"Why do you need them?"
"So that we may all survive together."
"...What?"
The Angel of Thrones was astonished by the unexpected answer that emphasized surviving together. Lloyd added.
"I'll be brief and to the point. A certain undead sorcerer, who has now become a lich, requested the king of hell to open the hell's gate in this estate to deploy the hell's army here. The king of hell accepted the plea, and evil soldiers will storm this place very soon. All of us will die and this estate will be razed to ashes. Not a single soul will live."
"Are you serious?" Raphael responded with a troubled look on his face.
"It's true," Sir Giolexius intervened and replied in Lloyd's stead.
Raphael did not know what to say to this. Sir Giolexius was the commander of the first corps of hell's army until only a few moments ago, so there was not a shred of a doubt that it really was the case.
"Then, were you trying to secure my tears to fend them off?"
"That is precisely it," Lloyd replied with a nod.
"I would love to help out if that's the case," said the Angel of Thrones, frustratingly biting his lips. "But there still is a problem."
"Problem?"
"I am unable to shed tears willingly," continued Raphael. "I cannot shed tears even if I want to unless I am genuinely touched in my heart. As a matter of fact, all angels were created that way to prevent the abuse of our valuable tears."
"Hmm. That's why I was suggesting to pluck your armpit hair, to make it real."
"If I can indeed shed tears from the physical pain of plucking my hair, and those tears could save the innocent and kind citizens of the estate, I would voluntarily pluck them all to protect the people. Unfortunately, however, that method won't work. We angels do not cry from physical pain."
"Is that so?"
"It is so. We must be genuinely moved in response to something touching. That's the only way angels would shed tears."
Raphael adamantly nodded, causing Lloyd to frowningly massage the back of his neck.
"That makes it a bit... challenging."
"I agree. I would love to shed tears left and right, knowing they're going to be used for the right cause."
"Hmm. I think our best bet here is to try different methods, then."
"I'm sorry?"
"This happened years ago in the distant past. There lived two brothers, one of which was wealthy and the other poor."
"Huh…?" The Angel of Thrones frowned with one eyebrow as Lloyd continued in a serious tone.
"The younger brother was penniless because he had failed to live according to a constructive financial plan. He had more children than his salary could afford, and he would spend the hard-earned money unwisely without taking care of his family first, failing to save anything up."
"Hmm, go on."
"On the other hand, the older brother had amassed a great wealth. He was diligent, hard-working, and made smart investments by carefully studying risks and returns. And one day, the younger brother found a terribly injured swallow on the street by chance. Something moved him and he took the poor bird to his home, tended to its wounds, and let it go. The swallow returned with a seed of a sort, which the younger brother sowed. It grew into some kind of a plant, bearing a huge fruit that looked like a melon. When he opened the melon, it was actually full of valuables and treasure!"
"Interesting. What happened next?"
"The older brother was astounded by the single investment that yielded so much profit and turned his brother's life upside down. He found himself an injured swallow... blah, blah... and opened the melon... blah, blah... but unfortunately lost all of his wealth."
"Tsk, tsk. What a tragedy. What next?"
"The older brother, who was a competent and diligent entrepreneur, lost all of his wealth in an instant. The younger brother, who had spent his life without a well-laid-out plan, became rich instead. The older brother began living in the younger brother's basement because he couldn't afford rent. Later on, the younger brother gave half of his wealth to his older brother."
"That's actually a kind thing to do. What a beautiful story."
"No, it's actually a tragedy," Lloyd interrupted the angel, immediately before Raphael lifted his hands to clap. "The older brother, who had worked hard all his life according to a solid business plan, lost all of his wealth due to one poor investment that enticed him with the promise of even greater riches. His younger brother gave him half of what he possessed later on, but that couldn't have been for free."
"Th-then...?"
"The younger brother probably made the older brother his personal asset manager or something, overworking and abusing him for the rest of their lives in return. Tsk, tsk. Poor older brother probably worked his butt off trying to make ends meet despite the terrible spending habits of the younger brother, and died without a chance to go on vacation."
“...”
"What a tragic tale."
Lloyd had drops of tears in his eyes, but the Angel of Thrones could only stare in silence. Lloyd noticed the look and added.
"I suppose no tragic tales are going to genuinely touch your heart. We'll have to resort to a different method."
"What method?"
"Are you ticklish on the bottom of your feet by any chance?" Lloyd took a glance at the angel's feet.
"What do you plan to do with my feet?" The angel asked in a slightly uncomfortable voice.
"I mean to tickle you over there. Perhaps you would shed a little bit of tears if I continued tickling you despite your plea to make it stop."
"Hmm. I don't know if that's going to work."
"Let's give it a try."
Lloyd tried all sorts of methods he could think of, starting with this one, to make the Angel of Thrones shed tears. The tickling of his feet with a feather failed to make him cry. Lloyd found a pile of hot chili peppers in the kitchen storage, and brought a shovel-full of them and fed them to Angel of Thrones, but that also failed. He even sang a song with a gorgeous melody to the angel's ears while asking Javier to hold him down, but Raphael did not shed a single drop of tear.
It did not matter how hard Lloyd tickled him, how much spicy food he fed him, or how many times he raided the angel's eardrums with terrible singing. The Angel of Thrones was definitely uncomfortable and agonized, but he did not shed tears. Lloyd was frustrated
Tsk. This is bad.
Lloyd was in desperate need of the angel's teardrops, because the battle against the hell's army was going to be much more arduous without them. But he hadn't anticipated the acquisition to be this difficult. The estate developer let out a deep sigh and spoke.
"Whoa. You really don't shed tears."
"I am so sorry. It really isn't something I can control."
"No need to apologize. But I won't lie, I was hoping to make you cry like a cookie."
"Huh? Why would the cookie cry?"
"Well," Lloyd casually replied, with the intent to lighten the mood with a terrible joke. "Because his father was a wafer so long."
"Because his father was a wafer... Oh! Away for so long?! Ha."
"Huh?"
"Ha, ha. His father was a wafer... away for... I get it. Ahahaha."
The Angel of Thrones placed his hands over the mouth to stop himself from bursting out in laughter. Lloyd noticed his shoulders violently twitch and his face and ears turn red.
What?!
The estate developer was certainly astounded by the unexpected response. This gave him an idea.
Please don't tell me you're terribly weak against dad jokes.
But Lloyd had nothing to lose, so he decided to give it a try anyways. He cleared his throat and turned towards the Angel of Thrones, who was struggling to hold his laughter in.
"I want you to cause a crisis today."
"C-cause a c-crisis? What do you mean?"
"Because that would turn you into a woman that cries a lot. Cry-sis."
"C-cry-sis! Ahahahaha! Oh, my goodness! Ahahahahaha!"
The Angel of Thrones held his abdomen as he started rolling on the ground. Lloyd genuinely questioned his common senses.
“...”
But all was well that ended well. His efforts were paying off.
Good, he's genuinely laughing his butt off!
Lloyd sharply examined the eyes of the angel, who was struggling to hold it in. He saw a single drop of tear in his eyes.
Alright! Here comes another one!
It was a perfect opportunity to seal the win with another move. Lloyd threw in another one from his dad joke arsenal.
"You know, I went downtown the other day and saw a fat psychic. He introduced himself as a four-chin teller."
"...Ahahahahahahahaha!!"
"And did you hear about the terrible fire at the shoe store? Many soles were lost."
"...Ahahaha!!"
"What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."
"Ahahahaha, holy! Ahahahaha!"
"I got another joke about the roof... But it's way over your head."
"Ahahaha, please..! Stop!"
The Angel of Thrones was rolling around on the floor. Lloyd quickly gestured to Javier, who promptly responded by grabbing the cup on the table inside the guest room. The grandmaster knight carefully approached the angel, who was still struggling to breathe from all the laughter and wiped his eyes. There was a teardrop on Javier's finger.
Quickly! Gather them in the cup!
Lloyd rolled his eyes to hint at what Javier needed to do. The grandmaster immediately gathered the tears in the cup as Lloyd continued spewing out terrible dad jokes, causing the angel to lose it completely. Raphael's abdomen and cheek muscles were straining from it, as he had a hard time breathing. And Javier continued taking every single drop of the tears the angel shed in a cup, without wasting any while giving Lloyd dirty looks for the horrendous jokes. Lloyd fully agreed with Javier on this one.
Gosh. I hate this too.
Lloyd breathed a heavy sigh at himself, for knowing so many dad jokes in the first place, and because he had to bombard the angel to get what he needed. It was embarrassing to the point where he wanted to run to his bedroom and hide under the blanket from the shame. It reminded him of a time when he was in college.
One of the professors used to throw in terrible dad jokes all the time during lectures.
Lloyd despised the professor's effort to appear humorous and had only chuckled bitterly. Perhaps that was why he felt guilty towards that particular instructor.
I am so sorry, professor. I didn't expect the dad jokes, out of all the things you taught me in class, to come in handy in a situation like this. Ugh.
He was grateful and shameful at the same time. However, Lloyd wasn't one to give up on his goals just because he had to endure some cringeworthy circumstances. He was determined to take one for the team, to ultimately accomplish his objectives. And the poetry of dad jokes somehow touched the angel's heart, filling a third of the cup in the process.
Nice. I think this is about a tenth of a liter.
The golden tears splashed inside the cup, as the Angel of Thrones nearly fainted on the floor from laughter. Lloyd put up a huge smile on his face.
If I do this every day for about 20 days or so, I should be able to get enough tears for my plan to work.
Two whole liters of Raphael's tears could be used as ingredients to produce 2 billion liters of holy water.
"Alright, it looks like we got our work cut out for us," Lloyd glanced at Javier.
The grandmaster's face, however, was distressed from the bombardment of terrible dad jokes. Lloyd also noticed that the hell's knight had plugged his ears to avoid hearing anything. Lloyd put up an evil grin and added.
"Do you not like the idea?"
"No. I hate it," Javier replied, twitching his body like he had just seen something disgusting. But there was an element of sharpness in what he said afterward. "But since you're collecting tears this way."
"I'm listening."
"I have concerns about actually turning this into holy water, even if we do succeed in gathering two whole liters like this."
"What concerns?"
"We need two billion liters of pure water on top of that. Where are you going to procure that much water? And how do you plan to spray these to the hell's army during battle?"
Javier addressed his honest concerns without being sarcastic. Procuring and managing two billion liters of pure water was especially what worried him.
"Oh, that."
But Lloyd responded so casually like he already laid out a careful plan, step by step in detail, as he had always done. And Lloyd's solution that followed appalled Javier.
